Sitting Simply and Simply Sitting

 One thing I do very poorly is simply sitting. I have not figured out how to just sit, read, and talk to God without thinking of the class I have to study for, the people I should be talking to, or the laundry that has been sitting in the dryer for days I should be folding. I live in a constant pace of 95 mph and to me sitting down signifies defeat.  Today, I wrestled with serving at a soup kitchen. When I say it out loud, it sounds so selfish "I can't serve people today, I'm too tired and weary". But the truth is, I have not sat before God in a long time. You know, truly sat before him. The kind of sitting that leaves your knees aching and your legs numb. Where you don't just read a bible verse but let it slightly sting your wounds with slight conviction, then wait as it heals them slowly like salt on an open cut. 

 Honestly, I have been serving from my own strength lately and that reservoir ran out about two weeks ago. I have been so afraid to come before God because I was afraid he would tell me no. No to my future dreams, no to my timeline, no to my passions, and that's scary. But I also realize just because I fail to listen or ask him doesn't mean his answer will change on the matter. Ignorance is most certainly not bliss. 

 This morning, I escaped to a corner window table of a downtown coffee shop and simply sat. I opened to John and was reminded that God cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit and prunes those that do. It is sometimes messy but I have to let him or else Ill become as wilted as the flowers in my backyard (I'm really bad at remembering to water).  As I poured over the words, all I could think about were my own sins and shortcomings. My lack of patience, wrestling with sin, choosing to be bitter instead of love, until these mounted and all I saw were my own inadequacies. When I read the verses in John I felt ashamed, unworthy, and guilty. God's pruning seemed more like chastisement than a labor of love. But as I moved beyond to the third verse I realized that was not God's intention. He isn't asking me to come before him in ashamed vulnerability but rather, complete humility. For he says 

"You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you"

He wants me to trust him and his pruning is for my good. Like the writer of Hebrews says, as believers, even in our weaknesses, he wants us to approach his throne of grace with confidence. In greek that word is parresias meaning

                               -freedom in speaking, unreservedness

                                            a. open, frank, without concealment

                                            b. without ambiguity          

    -free or fearless confidence, cheerful courage, boldness, assurance. 

How different that is from my own trembling, ashamed, and embarrassed approach.

Another lesson I learned is that the Lord says Remain in me for a reason. For "if a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. The next sentence is the most important. don't miss it. it says "apart from me you can do nothing" I realized how true my friend Hannah was when she said that rest is a form of worship. Resting and remaining in the Lord means coming before him with parresias-an unreserved, fearless confidence- and allowing him to cutoff and get rid of the ugly sinful parts of our lives while cultivating the ones that bring Him glory. 

  Hebrews speaks about the importance of rest to believers.  It says "there remains a sabbath rest for God's people. . . Let us, therefore, make ever effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience"Just like an artist cannot paint a perfectly accurate portrait if he never glances up from his easel to examine the subject, we cannot reflect the glory of God if we never stop to seek His face and sit before him. And as we spend time remaining in him, he will sanctify us and reveal to us sin in our own hearts.