Now that the Christmas season is officially over and New Years has already come and gone, I no longer have any distractions to keep from planning my life. If you are anything like me-bless your heart if thats the case- you have finally caved into the New Year's pressure and complied a list of things or ideas you would like to see take form in the year to come. Some people find joy in seeing their dreams written in ink, and become giddy with anticipation as they decide to tackle the challenges as if marking off items on a grocery list. Others however, become lost in the seemingly impossible list staring back at them and become consumed with dread and doubt, seemingly dooming themselves before they even begin. Admittedly, I have been both of those people. My closet Type-A personality finds childlike joy in seeing an item checked off a list. (I might even write down things I have already finished just to gain the satisfaction from crossing it out... don't judge, Im sure you do it too). Yet, another part of me absolutely abhors the idea of failure. Fail-what a loathsome four-letter word! Some years, when I glance at the aspirations I have, it seems nearly impossible and I let the fear of striking out keep me from playing the game (my apologies Babe Ruth).
To be honest, this year, I started out with the mentality of the latter. It's crazy because I have had an incredible year with first semester at college and God has provided so richly, yet I still doubt. Although I have know that the Lord has plans for my life, I often find myself questioning them. This past week, I wrote an email to a friend and I frantically began to type these words "Ive lately begun to doubt that God can ever use me. I haven't really been through a lot of difficult times like some of the girls I talk to, I let my pride step in instead of seeking wisdom, and I truly don't know how God can ever use me to reach girls. Like, what does that even mean?? How can I serve the Lord when I am so caught up in serving myself??" I remember the moment I typed this part in the message, I immediately felt the Lord speaking directly to me. He granted me peace from my rant and in a moment of stillness before him, I realized something and in the midst of my breakdown and tantrum, I felt like God was teaching me. Im thankful He is a forgiving God, because I am so sure I have been such an obnoxious person lacking faith in my prayers recently. That night, I think I took just long enough to pause and listen to him. I just recently realized that you know what, all of what I am saying is true. I am inadequate, I have no qualifications for my calling, I am incredibly self-centered, and I'm not capable for this task. BUT…..HE IS!!! And for some reason, He is using me and its not about my abilities, but my willingness to be used by him. In my weakness, He will be made stronger. So I suppose I just need to take a breath, keep reminding myself of this truth, and be so incredibly thankful that I serve this awesome God who knows I cannot do it on my own, but wants to use me anyway! I keep thinking of Moses, and how He told the Lord he didn't think he was capable of the leading the people out of Egypt. He told the Lord "I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech" thats totally something I would say to God. in fact, Im sure I have. But I think it is so cool that despite his inadequacies, God showed that He was greater than his weaknesses and said "Who gave this man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say" I am pretty sure this is the convo I have been having with God a lot lately. Yet it's so neat that God reveals his power in this verse and says that HE will be our strength! So then, when I reread this passage over and over again, I sit here, much like I am now, and feel so incredibly stupid for doubting Him. How is it that I can manage to doubt God being able to use me? Its like I am questioning his power and abilities when I say that I am beyond help. This is the same God that spoke through a burning bush, parted a ginormous sea, defeated entire nations, spoke life into dead bodies, created mountains, and made mana fall from the sky, yet I have the audacity to doubt his ability to make my life useful for his glory.
As I am realizing these things, I am left with this question…Now what? What does this mean and look like for my life? What will my ministry look like? What am I supposed to be doing right now and in the future? Sometimes, I worry like its my job and thinking about the future would literally terrify me because it is so unknown. Now, I have established that fear has no need because God is in control, but what am I supposed to do until he reveals his plans to me? Well, this past week, I have started reading through Genesis again and of course, God spoke directly to my heart on this matter just this evening (His timing really is perfect). In Genesis, Abram travels with his father Terah, Lot, and his wife Sarai and set out from Ur to go to Canaan. In verse 31 of chapter 11, I caught something for the first time. It says "BUT when they came to Haran, they settled there" So they originally set out for Canaan, BUT stopped in Haran instead of finishing the journey. There is no explanation for the stop, perhaps Terah was sick or too tired to continue or they were fearful to go on, or any number of things. All we know is that they stopped. I cannot help but think what Abram might have thought once they stopped. He was not at his intended destination, but thankfully, having read the rest of the story we know this did not stop God's calling or plans in his life. It seems like this time in Haran was a time of transition and a waiting period for Abram. He waited until his father died until he continued the journey to reach Canaan to fulfill the Lord's calling and it was there that the Lord made a covenant with him. Maybe God used this period of waiting in Abrams life to teach Abram to trust him or to prepare him for the service the Lord had planned for him. As I read this, I realized that much like Abram, I am in a place of waiting in my own life. I see small glimpses of the Lord's plans for my future but I am not there yet. As much as I have agonized over trying to decipher them, I realized that God is using this very time of transition to help me depend fully on him and prepare me for his purpose. So instead of complaining and worrying while waiting in my own 'Haran' I need to trust Him and not lose faith that He who began a good work in me WILL carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
No comments:
Post a Comment