Vessel of the Lord

 So often I grow complacent in everyday life and go through the motions of the day without truly looking at a single person. I find myself glancing up only occasionally from a starbucks line or bookstore aisle to quickly meet the gaze of a bystander, only to quickly avert my attention back to the enthralling book cover or to the vast selection of caffeine choices available. It amazes me that I can stare blankly into a person's eyes around me and see only hollowness. I'm convinced it takes a certain level of talent and practice to be so self absorbed that I cannot see past my own problems. How is it that I can look at people and remain so guarded that I fail to notice the flecks of pain in their forced smile, the rigid facial expression that reveals a great degree of anxiousness, or the spark in their eyes that comes from pure joy? We come in contact with so many people throughout the day (I am sure some smart person has conducted a study that gives a number for this but I don't know it off the top of my head). What would it look like if I were to make the most of these interactions, even with complete strangers, and focus more on them. I strongly believe that each day we wake up is a gift from God and is meant to be used entirely for His glory. I am not trying to put words in God's  mouth but I'm fairly confident that there is nothing honoring to Him when we remain fixated on our own agendas and fail to love or even acknowledge the existence of the beautiful human beings He has placed in our path for the day.

        I suppose this is such a big issue to me because it is one I largely struggle with and have been convicted of. The Lord has shown me that appearances truly are deceiving and even the seemingly most put-together-person has scars and deep wounds that inflict unimaginable pain. Perhaps you encounter a beautiful girl in line and due to jealousy you begin to measure yourself up to her and immediately judge her because life for Barbie look-alikes like herself must be perfect. What you may not realize is that this girl struggles with an eating disorder and fails to see her own worth or beauty. Her body image is incredibly distorted and she is in bondage to the lies Satan feeds her: that she is worthless, she will never be good enough, she is ugly. She does not realize that she is fearfully and wonderfully made, and the daughter of a great King who loves and adores her and has created her in his perfect image. Just maybe, God placed this girl in your path (or perhaps vice versa) so that you could simply smile and show her that she has worth and help her regain confidence in the Lord. Or, maybe you pass by someone sitting at the bar as you enter a restaurant. So often it is easy to judge this person but what if we were to take time to realize that this very person may be spending their evenings alone attempting to drown out their problems and worries. They feel hopeless, dejected, and see no worth or point to life and maybe they are contemplating ending their own. I am not trying to place guilt or convict others. I am simply relaying what the Lord has been teaching me. I struggle with this in the worst way, but through his grace, the Lord has taught me that THESE are the very people He died for. Like me, they are in desperate need of a Savior and cannot find true joy or meaning apart from Him. In a video, a non Christian actually commented that if Christians really believed in God and the Bible, then how much would they have to hate someone to not tell them about Christ. I think this is a great question and one that I am in constant need of thinking about. If I believe in the sovereignty of the Lord and that Christ is the only way to salvation, and in Him alone is life found, how could I not tell others around me about this great hope. It amazes me that the Lord is willing to use me, even though He certainly does not need me, to be a light to these dark and broken souls. He can use me to speak truth straight into someone's life as he becomes the perfect salve for their gaping wounds.

         It is my prayer that God will continue to break my heart for what breaks His, and let me feel deep sorrow and love for the very people around me that are in need of His grace and love. What if I lived each moment fully expecting Him to work in the lives of the people around me? How incredible it would be to be a vessel He can work through to touch these lives. But in order to do that, I must first look into their eyes and smile.

Random Things I love (In no apparent order)

Smiling-              I know this is super cheesy but its true. Even when I am having a horrible day, if I can just make myself smile, I am reminded that my situation really is not all that terrible. God has blessed me with so much and it is my prayer that His love can be evident in my life.  What better way to make even one person’s day better than to simply smile. Although it doesn’t happen all the time, my favorite is when my cheeks ache from smiling so much. 

                       That kind of joy comes only from the Lord!

Laughing-       The best is when you laugh so hard you can barely breathe to the point where tears stream down your face. My favorite memories include lots of laughter (working at a stable, telling stories with my family, opening a friendship pact with Teddie, bonding with girls on my hall, dancing and singing at the top of my lungs with my roommate, etc.) Even moments like today, when a friend and I accidentally let a mute hillbilly stranger walk into the house only to find out he was at the wrong place.

Writing-              There is something so freeing and peaceful about it. Although I am certainly not the best writer, its so wonderful to take a break from a hectic day and sit alone for a few minutes to write my thoughts on what the Lord has been teaching me.

Prayer-                 No matter how stressed or anxious I am, when I take time to come before the Lord and communicate with Him, my day is completely changed. He has created us to be relational people that desire intimacy. There is truly nothing sweeter than spending time with the Lord sharing my most intimate thoughts and worries and also thanking Him for his blessings.

Road trips-      Driving through different towns or eating at local cafes or dinners is so much fun. I love the spontaneity of it all- simply stop wherever seems cute and meet new people. All that is required is a tank of gas and a few good companions.

Coffee-                 Some tell me I am an addict, but I have decided that as long as I stay under 4 cups a day, I am still ok J The smell and the rich taste of coffee brighten any day.

Roller-coasters- I LOVE the rush of adrenaline that hits you as your heart beats faster and you finally near the top of the climb and brace yourself for the speed and loops that are to come. (but I would be lying if I said I didn’t say a prayer every time the cart slowly edges up the hill and wonder why I thought this was a good idea). But in the end, I always end the ride and decide riding it once was simply not enough. If I wanted to get deep, I would very unoriginally compare life to this roller-coaster, but ill save this analogy for a blog on a rainy day.

Taking pictures- I am not a great photographer by any stretch of the imagination, but I love capturing moments in life. Black and white photos are the best!

Gospel Music-  This is a new obsession of mine 

Waiting in Haran

 Now that the Christmas season is officially over and New Years has already come and gone, I no longer have any distractions to keep from planning my life. If you are anything like me-bless your heart if thats the case- you have finally caved into the New Year's pressure and complied a list of things or ideas you would like to see take form in the year to come. Some people find joy in seeing their dreams written in ink, and become giddy with anticipation as they decide to tackle the challenges as if marking off items on a grocery list. Others however, become lost in the seemingly impossible list staring back at them and become consumed with dread and doubt, seemingly dooming themselves before they even begin. Admittedly, I have been both of those people. My closet Type-A personality finds childlike joy in seeing an item checked off a list. (I might even write down things I have already finished just to gain the satisfaction from crossing it out... don't judge, Im sure you do it too). Yet, another part of me absolutely abhors the idea of failure. Fail-what a loathsome four-letter word! Some years, when I glance at the aspirations I have, it seems nearly impossible and I let the fear of striking out keep me from playing the game (my apologies Babe Ruth). 


    To be honest, this year, I started out with the mentality of the latter. It's crazy because I have had an incredible year with first semester at college and God has provided so richly, yet I still doubt. Although I have know that the Lord has plans for my life, I often find myself questioning them. This past week, I wrote an email to a friend and I frantically began to type these words "Ive lately begun to doubt that God can ever use me. I haven't really been through a lot of difficult times like some of the girls I talk to, I let my pride step in instead of seeking wisdom, and I truly don't know how God can ever use me to reach girls. Like, what does that even mean?? How can I serve the Lord when I am so caught up in serving myself??" I remember the moment I typed this part in the message, I immediately felt the Lord speaking directly to me. He granted me peace from my rant and in a moment of stillness before him, I realized something and in the midst of my breakdown and tantrum, I felt like God was teaching me. Im thankful He is a forgiving God, because I am so sure I have been such an obnoxious person lacking faith in my prayers recently. That night, I think I took just long enough to pause and listen to him. I just recently realized that you know what, all of what I am saying is true. I am inadequate, I have no qualifications for my calling, I am incredibly self-centered, and I'm not capable for this task. BUT…..HE IS!!! And for some reason, He is using me and its not about my abilities, but my willingness to be used by him. In my weakness, He will be made stronger. So I suppose I just need to take a breath, keep reminding myself of this truth, and be so incredibly thankful that I serve this awesome God who knows I cannot do it on my own, but wants to use me anyway! I keep thinking of Moses, and how He told the Lord he didn't think he was capable of the leading the people out of Egypt. He told the Lord "I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech" thats totally something I would say to God. in fact, Im sure I have. But I think it is so cool that despite his inadequacies, God showed that He was greater than his weaknesses and said "Who gave this man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say"  I am pretty sure this is the convo I have been having with God a lot lately. Yet it's so neat that God reveals his power in this verse and says that HE will be our strength! So then, when I reread this passage over and over again, I sit here, much like I am now, and feel so incredibly stupid for doubting Him. How is it that I can manage to doubt God being able to use me?  Its like I am questioning his power and abilities when I say that I am beyond help. This is the same God that spoke through a burning bush, parted a ginormous sea, defeated entire nations, spoke life into dead bodies, created mountains, and made mana fall from the sky, yet I have the audacity to doubt his ability to make my life useful for his glory.


    As I am realizing these things, I am left with this question…Now what? What does this mean and look like for my life? What will my ministry look like? What am I supposed to be doing right now and in the future? Sometimes, I worry like its my job and thinking about the future would literally terrify me because it is so unknown. Now, I have established that fear has no need because God is in control, but what am I supposed to do until he reveals his plans to me? Well, this past week, I have started reading through Genesis again and of course, God spoke directly to my heart on this matter just this evening (His timing really is perfect). In Genesis, Abram travels with his father Terah, Lot, and his wife Sarai and set out from Ur to go to Canaan. In verse 31 of chapter 11, I caught something for the first time. It says "BUT when they came to Haran, they settled there" So they originally set out for Canaan, BUT stopped in Haran instead of finishing the journey. There is no explanation for the stop, perhaps Terah was sick or too tired to continue or they were fearful to go on, or any number of things. All we know is that they stopped. I cannot help but think what Abram might have thought once they stopped. He was not at his intended destination, but thankfully, having read the rest of the story we know this did not stop God's calling or plans in his life.  It seems like this time in Haran was a time of transition and a waiting period for Abram. He waited until his father died until he continued the journey to reach Canaan to fulfill the Lord's calling and it was there that the Lord made a covenant with him. Maybe God used this period of waiting in Abrams life to teach Abram to trust him or to prepare him for the service the Lord had planned for him. As I read this, I realized that much like Abram, I am in a place of waiting in my own life. I see small glimpses of the Lord's plans for my future but I am not there yet. As much as I have agonized over trying to decipher them, I realized that God is using this very time of transition to help me depend fully on him and prepare me for his purpose. So instead of complaining and worrying while waiting in my own 'Haran' I need to trust Him and not lose faith that He who began a good work in me WILL carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.