Thursday, November 29, 2012

Puzzles, Perfections, and Progress


Today I wore a cape. It was my first little act of rebellion in a while. For so long I’ve struggled to branch out of my comfortable safe articles of clothing in my wardrobe and break out the spontaneous purchases. You know, the ones you try on with your friends and under normal circumstances you would leave on the hanger where it would safely remain in the dressing room until the next bold uninhibited person would find it.  For some reason I bought this cape on a whim with every intention of finding a way to wear it. Yet this morning, I found it hidden in my closet unworn and decided that perhaps today was the day. So after much debate over what people would say, I put it on, walked out of the door, and felt a little freer.
 This freedom is not from magical powers this cape has. It is much deeper than that. This freedom is birthed out of a realization that I am not bound by people’s opinions or my own uncertainties.

  For so long, I have created a safe world for myself. A world in which I wear the same clothes, style my hair in the same part, order a cheese quesadilla at every Mexican restaurant, and continue to plan my future.  The last is the main point of this entry. It’s not really about the cape, its about the action behind donning it. Its about letting go and stepping out into the uncertainties of the world.

   After a very long heart to heart with my dear friend Abby last night, I realized how rigid my future plans were formed in my mind. For so long I have dreamt and longed to live in a foreign country and do mission work overseas. I wanted to be known by doing great things for the Lord. Now at their core, those things are not sinful or wrong at all, but the problem lies in the second sentence. I wanted to be known. I wanted people to see my life and think “man she is such a cool girl, look at her heart for the Lord”. As Abby so wisely said, since when are we called to be great?  We are called to serve the Lord with our lives and do things for his glory, but the error in my thinking is that I wanted to do things for God but receive the recognition for it. I admit this is not an easy post to write because it is incredibly humbling. Regardless of my good intentions, part of me still wanted the glory. Much like my closet, I have had my life compartmentalized for quite some time. I felt comfortable with the idea I had formed in my head of my future ministry. This past semester I have been freaking out because I feel the Lord is calling me in a different direction. As much as I keep trying to put on my safe jeans and the Loft solid shirt, I felt like I was supposed to branch out a bit.  I am so thankful we serve a relentless, loving, and merciful God because I know I have been quite the stubborn child.  Something Abby reminded me of is that even good things can become idols in our lives. My future plans were just that- an idol. 

  I had this fantasy in my head of what I would be doing and I assumed that as long as I put for the Lord at the end of it, I was okay. I would travel the world and help people for the Lord.  I greatly wanted to take a semester off of college and live in a foreign country for the Lord. I wanted to adopt 12 kids for the Lord. Now hear my heart these are all GOOD things and may very well be right and what the Lord is calling people to do and that is good! If he is calling you to do this, then by all means DO IT!! Personally, as much as I would love to do these things, they were more of an escape route for me. I wanted the title that came along with them and it seemed easier to serve God in a foreign context rather than right where I am now. Perhaps the Lord does have these plans in store of my future, but then again maybe not. What I have had to ask myself is If not, will I still follow him wholeheartedly without bitterness in my heart.

For so long, I have been trying to fit pieces together of a puzzle the Lord has not designed for me.

 I pray that somehow this encourages you. No one has it all together and there is beauty in letting go. Letting go of your own plans, letting go of your own rigid schedule, and letting go of caring what others think. Next to the cape in my closet is a gold sparkly dress draped on a hanger, another one of my on-a-whim purchases. I promised myself this time, I will not wait so long to remove the tags and wear it.


Thursday, November 8, 2012

God Our Healer



  Some of my favorite moments are when you sing songs during worship and something changes in your heart. Its that moment when the words you are singing instantly come to life and their meaning is truly known. No longer are you simply mouthing or singing words on the screen as the band or choir leads you but you are proclaiming and rejoicing truths from the depths of your soul.

Sometimes it may come out as a whisper as the truth that the Lord loves you and calls 
you His beloved overwhelms your broken spirit.  
Sometimes tears flow as the meaning of the cross and salvation hits you 
in a new way.  
Other times, words form as a battle cry of your heart as you claim truth 
against the lies of this world. 

When this happens, worship becomes more than a response to the musicians leading on a stage. Instead it is an overflow of the heart as you recognize your need of God and see Him in his splendor and glory.

  Last night as I stood in the back of the room of a wednesday night worship with middle and high school students, I had one of the encounters with the Lord. So often, I find myself singing and all the while praying for the students in front of me-that they will know this Jesus guy they sing about and figure out what this grace word means. Sadly, I often forget that the Lord is not just speaking to them, but He is also speaking to me.  As the guitarist began to play the first few chords of "Our God" chills formed as I realized the truth of these words. This great, strong, awesome in power God is my God! As the girls standing beside me sang out the line Our God is Healer, I admit I lost it. It was almost like the Lord was saying those exact words straight into my heart. He was telling me Rebekah, I love you. I see you. I see you when you forget about me and lose that battle to sin. I see the scars you bear, the wounds and hurts you carry in your heart, and the pain that comes with that. I see these but beloved, I can heal you.  Friend, if you are reading this, I pray that you find joy in this! There is not a wound, pain, sin, or scar the Lord cannot Heal. And you know what, He is not only able but He desires to heal you. He sent his son to willingly step into this dark world to save us. He can make beautiful things out of us. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Joyful Thursdays: Friendships, Tables, and other Beautiful Gifts.


 

   Today the Lord reminded me of the beauty of the bond that is shared between girls and women in Christ.  There is something supernatural and unexplainable about this bond. It can admittedly be slightly terrifying at times as you let your guard down and in complete humility and vulnerability share the struggles, pain, and desires in the innermost part of your heart.  Yet there is something freeing as you do so.  You realize that perhaps you are not alone, perhaps someone else in this world has experienced or is enduring your same heartache or celebrating over the same joyous things. Although each of us have pasts and stories we all share the same theme of redemption and grace. Even though our struggles come in various forms, we each share in the same victory. A victory that is not our own nor something we could ever deserve, but a victory that has been given to us in the form of a savior on a cross. It is marked by underserved grace and love that is unfailing and infinite.

  I had the privilege of sitting in a small corner table and sharing a meal with a beautiful friend named Jordan. This sister has taught me what it means to find freedom in the Lord and fight the lies of the enemy. Today we rejoiced as she shared how the Lord answered prayers and shed tears as we laid our burdens on the table. As we sat there together I could not help but wonder how many stories this table has heard. I imagine many burdens have been spilled on it and encouragement has passed across. As she prayed over me and thanked the Lord for his grace, I thought about the hearts of the people who have sat at that very table. They each had their own pains, joys, scars, and stories. Then I thought about the stories yet to be shared- those of true love, old memories, plans for the future, or the sweet songs of redemption. I am blessed beyond belief to have these kinds of friendships that extend far beyond superficial things.  Jordan uses the phrase "I love you deep"  in text messages or emails and to me this sums up the body of Christ. It is a love that is often undeserved, selfless, and comes only from the Lord.

   After lunch, I decided to skip my last class of the day and settle myself in a table closest to a coffee source and relax for a bit. My sweet roommate happened to walk by and joined me in my effort to avoid schoolwork. We sat and talked about life, the importance of finding joy and rest in the Lord, and she gave me wisdom on an idea the Lord has laid on my heart.  I am forever thankful for her encouragement, support, and constant reminder of the Lord's goodness. I have never met anyone with such a beautiful servant's heart. As I found myself yet again, sharing life over a wooden table and cup of coffee, I realized that this is what I am in college. My major and getting a degree is extremely important, but more than that, I have the ability to truly share life with people and grow during this season.

  This evening I found myself gathered around yet another table with five other women at my small group leaders' apartment. These might be my favorite nights as we sit with cookies and coffee in hand and walk through the gospel of John.  This table has also heard many stories over the past few months. Across its surface we have laid out our innermost fears, talked about the word of God, and prayed sincerely for these words to change our hearts and lives.

   I am beyond thankful for the influence these women have in my life as they point me to the cross and teach me what it means to walk in freedom. I am increasingly glad the Lord made us relational people and I cannot help but marvel at how wonderfully He designed each of us to fit in the body of Christ and serve Him.