This past semester and summer have been among the toughest I can recall but at the same time, it has been laced with sweet reminders and divine joy. I learned a very important lesson-one that you probably have already learned yourself but sometimes I think I learn things the difficult way. The lesson was that of sin and grace. I think my mentor said it best that when we are not fully walking with the Lord and dying to ourself and the things of this world daily, there is no sin that we are incapable of succumbing to. I must admit that I sometimes feel invincible to some sin. When I would hear of people struggling with something, I would put it on my list and make sure it ranked higher than any of my flaws and instantly make myself feel less guilty about my own shortcomings. And like any good southern girl, I would respond with "bless her heart" and thank the Lord that was not part of my testimony. But here's the thing I have learned about this sin thing- the Lord does not have a ranking list, nor does He see one person's sin as being worse than the other. He hates all of it but the good news is that there is not a sin you can commit that cannot be covered by the blood of Christ.
I started a book a good friend recommended and I learned something else about sin. Sometimes the tempter can come in the appearance of a Shepherd. The lies of Satan can seem so convincing. I realized in my sin, I had myself fully convinced that what I was doing was not sinful. I tried to justify it but in the end I was simply pleading ignorance and allowing the son of the earth - Satan- to shepherd me down the slaughterhouse drive. ("Tempted and Tried"). In late Spring, I began for a few moments to see glimpses of the sin I was in but I became disconnected with God and continued to serve my own appetite instead of Him. I fully believed I was in control of it all but the thing about sin is that it will eventually be brought to light.
One night the full weight of my filth that separated me from the Lord hit me. I found myself in a wasteland battling the lies of Satan and beginning to believe that perhaps there was no hope. As I began to doubt my worth the enemy's lies came to the forefront of my mind. Thoughts like You are insignificant...God cannot possibly use you…you are too inadequate to serve the Lord in ministry…you cannot overcome this began to cripple me. As I sat in the floor feeling wounded and worthless the only place I knew to turn was the Bible. Although at the time I could not depict what were lies and what were truths, I knew the supreme source of truth was the Word of God so I decided to begin there. To be honest, I did not even know where to start so I opened the Bible and landed in Luke chapter 7. The title on the paragraph said these words A Sinful Woman Anoints Jesus' Feet. Tears streamed down my face as I began to read the story I had read many times before and even heard in church but for the first time, it resonated with me. In the story Jesus was having dinner with a Pharisee. Verse 37 starts by saying
"When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself 'If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is- that she is a sinner'"
I am certainly not a biblical scholar and there are so many things I do not understand but as I read this so many things came to my mind. The first is that this woman knew she was a sinner and in the wrong and she sought out Jesus. Many times when we are caught up in sin, we let our guilt cripple us and prevent us from coming before the one who has the power to wash us and make us white as snow, but this woman got it. We are not told how she knew he was there or all of the details but we do know that she heard about this Jesus guy and knew she needed to find him- that he was the only one who could forgive her sins. Secondly, it says she brought her alabaster jar. Many believe this jar was probably used for her job as a prostitute. She took this jar of perfume and she poured it out on his feet which symbolizes that she is through with her life in sin and is emptying it all out completely before Christ. As I read this passage I could identify with this woman. I recognized the sin in my life and knew the only one that could free me from it was Christ, but I still struggled with boldly coming before the throne of grace with confidence. As I read verse 38 that said she stood at his feet weeping and "she began to wet his feet with tears" my own tears flowed freely onto the pages of Luke. When I saw how the Pharisee looked at her and saw her sin and questioned Jesus' character, a knot formed in my throat and the invading lies began again for how could I dare to come before Jesus, my sin would surely mar his name. Jesus had every reason to walk away from that woman just as he has every reason to leave me in my sin. He gains nothing by associating with sinners in the eyes of men. But friends we cannot stop here. For this woman's story is not over yet just as mine had not ended. The beauty of the gospel-of the truths of Christ- is that He did not desert her nor will he desert you or I. Instead a few verses down he turned to Simon and said
"Do you not see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little"
Such freedom to be found in these words uttered from the mouth of a loving savior- a sacrificial lamb. As I read this I thought perhaps my story is not over yet- just as your story is not over. I do not know where this finds you but I pray whatever battle you are fighting or sin you find yourself entangled it, you will see the beauty of this text and let it wash over you. This woman brought all she had and laid it before her Savior and you know what He did, he forgave her. He even praised her to the people who mocked her. Thats what He is doing in our lives as well. When we come before Him, he forgives us (what a beautiful word) and speaks against Satan's lies that we are worthless. Instead He calls us His Beloved. In Genesis it says the Lord saw all He had made and saw that it was very good. Because the Lord is omnipresent and can see the past, present, and future, I like to think He saw all of us on that day. He saw us as a baby and he saw the sins we would commit and you know what, he still said it was good because the story does not stop there. We also have to remember that many many years ago, a man was put on the cross and willingly died the worst imaginable death for us.
This summer for the first time the meaning of the cross truly resonated with me. It's not just a historical event or something we celebrate once a year nor was it just for certain people in that time period. Christ's death radically effects everyone. I pray you realize as I did the wonderful meaning of grace. As I kept rereading the story of the woman with the alabaster jar it hit me as I read the words of Jesus as he said to her "woman you are forgiven. Go in peace" I remember crying even harder as I could feel my Savior whispering these same words to my heart. I realized that as the nails were put into Christ's hands, my sin was there. As he was beaten and pierced through with a rod, my sin was there too propelling the abuse. I saw the sins he came to die for and carry, and mine was there. But the most beautiful part was that the blood that flowed on the cross that day also flowed and covered my own sins and by His wounds I am healed. Dear friend, find solace and hope in this. Rest in his grace and remember that despite the lies of the enemy, you are His beloved- by His wounds you are healed.
