It has been
far too long since I have taken time to write and reflect on what I have been
learning and today seemed to be a perfect day to do so as I am getting ready to
study for exams and enjoy my last two weeks on campus until I leave for the
summer. I still can hardly believe that this time last year, I was 2 weeks from
graduating high school and nervously anticipating the next chapter of my life
in Birmingham. How quickly time passes by. I remember that version of myself:
ready to embark upon a wild new
journey but scared of change that seemed inevitable, sad to be separated from
sweet friends but excited about the new ones God would bring in my life, and
worried about being homesick yet excited to be living in a new place I would
call home (even if it is an incredibly small room). Looking back now, it is so
encouraging to see how God answered my prayers in ways unimaginable and provided
for my needs.
This past week alone has
legitimately rivaled any hallmark movie known to man (and Ive seen a lot of
hallmark movies). I have had the wonderful privilege of sharing life with some
of the most incredible women. My dear friends Christine and Laura and I have
started a weekend tradition involving rising early, grabbing bagels at a local
bagel shop and then continuing to a quaint starbucks table where we share our
life over venti coffees (or chai teas) and brainstorm our next adventure which has
involved nature walks, playing in creeks, and making headbands. I am so blessed
to have these Godly women in my life that I can laugh with and talk about what
God is teaching us. The Lord also gave me a wonderful roommate Maggie, who
always leaves me laughing. Although we are opposite in many ways (she is much
funnier and bolder than I), she has taught me a lot. I have learned to voice my
opinion a bit more (for a recovering people pleaser, this is not easy) and
find joy in life-starting with late night dance parties. Despite the fact that
I tend to tell really corny jokes at night, she tolerates me and laughs to
appease me. It’s a great friendship. Then there is Abby. This girl has a heart
for the Lord and passion for showing everyone around her this love. She is
someone that I can count on for Godly wisdom and to challenge me to serve the
Lord wholeheartedly. Whether we are sitting on her futon talking for hours or
watching the sunset on a mountain in silence, I always leave feeling closer to
the Lord. I wish I could talk about every person that has been placed in my
life thus far at Samford and encouraged me, but that would take an eternity. I
will say that I am blessed to have these people in my life, whether we share
jokes during class or coffee and tea on the hall.
Now, I could stop here and conclude
this entry ending with the people that have impacted my life and the ways God
answered prayer, but I feel the Lord has also done a large work in my heart
this semester. It is never easy to talk about the times I had it wrong or the
struggles I have faced but in an attempt to be as real as possible, I suppose I
should do just that. As I prepared for college, I felt solid in my faith and my
relationship with the Lord and to be honest, I prided myself on being a pretty
good person. I thought I had done a good job living a life honoring to God.
However, I would give anything to tell that prideful version of myself that
this God thing is much deeper than that.
I have truly realized now how
important it is to dig into the word and let it search my heart. I have learned
that it is okay to question God on things and seen how he is faithful to reveal
himself and his truths time and time again.
As I dove into the Old Testament, I admit I struggled with the picture
of God I saw there. There was something about the legalism and rigidness to the
laws that did not settle with me.
Perhaps it is because my human nature and flesh run from the idea of
rules and instead wish to seek out their own happiness without inhibition. I
came before the Lord and honestly said I was having trouble reconciling the
picture of Him in the Old Testament with the one I see in the New Testament. He
didn’t leave me or abandon me because I failed to comprehend it all. Instead, he let me wrestle with it, come
before him and ask him, and even though I don’t deserve an answer, he gave me
one. I caught a verse I hadn’t
before. In chapter 31 verse 21 of
Deuteronomy the Lord said “ I know what they are disposed to do, even before I
bring them into the land I promised them on oath”. When I read this, it somehow
started to click. God KNEW that these
people would still turn from him, serve other gods, and seek after their own
desires YET He made the oath and brought them into the promised land! He still
left them the entire time with a choice.
He didn’t break his Oath because he knew they wouldn’t be faithful, he
kept it, and continued to give them the choice to follow him. In a commentary
it said “they deserved God’s punishment, although they often received his
mercy”. It was as if the Lord seemed to
say to me, yes I am a just God that hates sin and despises evil, but I LOVE and
I will protect and be with my people. In
chapter 32 it talks about how the Lord shields for, cares for, guards, feeds, leads,
and nourishes. They chose to abandon,
reject, desert, and forget Him. When they do that, he judges them. He is both Loving and Just. The two must go
together. Although some parts are still hard for me to digest, I must trust
that God is righteous and faithful and his ways are always just. In setting these laws for the people to have
to obey, he was showing them they couldn’t do it on their own. They had to see
their need for a savior to understand what it meant to be saved. They had to see the depth of their sin that
separated them from God, to realize what his grace and mercy truly meant.
While being at college, I have also
discovered how narrow minded I can be. This truly is something I am not proud
of, but I suppose the first step to fixing something is admitting there is a
problem. I really should go back to some
people and apologize to them for being so legalistic about things. In my
ignorance, I assumed my way of thinking was the only way but thankfully the
Lord has opened my eyes to see that the world has a lot more grey in it than I
like to give it credit for. I heard some people talking the other day about the
appropriate and inappropriate places for ministry. They mentioned that no one
should ever be caught at the bar of a restaurant talking to someone there, even
if they were simply talking to the person there trying to tell them about the
Lord. They said since we are called to live above reproach, we must avoid
anything that would reflect poorly on us and hinder our testimony. To an
extent, this person has a good point and the older version of myself would
probably have agreed with them completely. Yes we are called to live set apart
and others should see a difference in us BUT, there is something about this
ideology that did not set well with me so I turned to the Word and found a
passage that helped shed light on this issue.
In Luke
5:27, Jesus saw Levi, the tax collector sitting at his booth. Once he called to
him, Levi left everything and followed him. Then, Levi held a large banquet
filled with tax collectors and others. These others were notorious sinners. Not
only did Christ call upon a man with a bad reputation, but he entered his house
and the presence of other sinners to go to the banquet. The Pharisees and
teachers complained to the disciples saying "Why do you eat and drink with
tax collectors and 'sinners'?" to which Christ answered "Is it not
the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the
righteous, but sinners to repentance"
In a commentary
it said Jesus didn't come to spend his time with the self-righteous religious leaders,
but with those who sensed their own sin and knew that they were not good enough
for God.
This account
appears in Mark 2:13-17 and in Matthew 9:9-13
In Matthew,
It tells that Jesus went further and said to the religious leaders " But
go and learn way this means: I desire mercy not sacrifice. For I have not come
to call the righteous but the sinners". He was showing them that
they didn't need to be concerned with their own appearance of being Holy
but with helping people. Although some may disagree and that it fine, I cannot
help but think that the people in the bars, strip clubs, and on the streets on
the very people we are supposed to be reaching. Yes it may seem socially
unacceptable, but if you read the gospels, Jesus was far from being socially
acceptable. This is not easy, but I pray that the Lord will continue to grip my
heart for these people to know Him fully, even if it means being questioned by
people. As followers of Christ, we are called to give it all up and follow him.
No bargaining or trade-offs. I cant help but think that our desire to be
well-liked by men is one of the things we give up in order to follow him to
wherever he is leading us so that God may be glorified.
