Surviving Finals in the Fort

It is exam week for me and I admittedly have done a fair share of complaining about classes, studying, and social media making procrastination too easy. As easy as it can be to rattle of the negatives, it is necessary and good for me to reflect on the things I am thankful for. So here goes:

I am incredibly thankful for…

• Getting to finally see my roommate (who is an angel I swear). She is seriously my hero. She finished all of her projects and survived the toughest semester in her major all with a smile on her face. It is the first time in over a week we have been in the room together before 12:30 am
• The Fort. Its been quite the safe haven and has been filled with great memories from eating cookie dough with neighbors, tears from stress, and sweet times of prayer with women of strong faith. Also, it makes me feel like a kid again.
• Folger's Vanilla Biscotti coffee. Not only does our Fort/Room smell like a coffee shop but its the greatest tasting coffee known to man.  
• The sweet person who folded my clothes after they dried in the laundry room. 
• Great friends and nights filled with swing dancing, photo shoots at castles, fireworks, and laughter. 
• Panera creamy tomato soup and a discovery from Jordan that if you maintain eye contact and act confident, you can ask for more baguettes for free. Her advice "Startle them, act like this is normal"
• The awesome middle school girls in small group who get the gospel and can talk about Universalism and Justin Bieber in the same sentence. 
• The Lenning Family and their exam care basket. 
• The one year reunion of CTM and the joy these ladies have brought to my life. 
• Grace that I do not deserve and unfailing Love from my Christ. 
• Nutella Burnt Marshmallow Milkshakes- they will change your life.
• The encouraging letter I received in the mail today from an awesome man. 
• The old man I met at Walgreens who talked to me about grace that covers our past and the blessing of a new day. He said it best that "Every day is the best day because it is a chance to start fresh and praise God for another breath. We are no longer help captive by our yesterdays"
• Decorating Christmas cookies with my small group and and celebrating the upcoming weddings of our wonderful leaders.

Puzzles, Perfections, and Progress

Today I wore a cape. It was my first little act of rebellion in a while. For so long I’ve struggled to branch out of my comfortable safe articles of clothing in my wardrobe and break out the spontaneous purchases. You know, the ones you try on with your friends and under normal circumstances you would leave on the hanger where it would safely remain in the dressing room until the next bold uninhibited person would find it.  For some reason I bought this cape on a whim with every intention of finding a way to wear it. Yet this morning, I found it hidden in my closet unworn and decided that perhaps today was the day. So after much debate over what people would say, I put it on, walked out of the door, and felt a little freer.

 This freedom is not from magical powers this cape has. It is much deeper than that. This freedom is birthed out of a realization that I am not bound by people’s opinions or my own uncertainties.

  For so long, I have created a safe world for myself. A world in which I wear the same clothes, style my hair in the same part, order a cheese quesadilla at every Mexican restaurant, and continue to plan my future.  The last is the main point of this entry. It’s not really about the cape, its about the action behind donning it. Its about letting go and stepping out into the uncertainties of the world.

   After a very long heart to heart with my dear friend Abby last night, I realized how rigid my future plans were formed in my mind. For so long I have dreamt and longed to live in a foreign country and do mission work overseas. I wanted to be known by doing great things for the Lord. Now at their core, those things are not sinful or wrong at all, but the problem lies in the second sentence. I wanted to be known. I wanted people to see my life and think “man she is such a cool girl, look at her heart for the Lord”. As Abby so wisely said, since when are we called to be great?  We are called to serve the Lord with our lives and do things for his glory, but the error in my thinking is that I wanted to do things for God but receive the recognition for it. I admit this is not an easy post to write because it is incredibly humbling. Regardless of my good intentions, part of me still wanted the glory. Much like my closet, I have had my life compartmentalized for quite some time. I felt comfortable with the idea I had formed in my head of my future ministry. This past semester I have been freaking out because I feel the Lord is calling me in a different direction. As much as I keep trying to put on my safe jeans and the Loft solid shirt, I felt like I was supposed to branch out a bit.  I am so thankful we serve a relentless, loving, and merciful God because I know I have been quite the stubborn child.  Something Abby reminded me of is that even good things can become idols in our lives. My future plans were just that- an idol. 

  I had this fantasy in my head of what I would be doing and I assumed that as long as I put for the Lord at the end of it, I was okay. I would travel the world and help people for the Lord.  I greatly wanted to take a semester off of college and live in a foreign country for the Lord. I wanted to adopt 12 kids for the Lord. Now hear my heart these are all GOOD things and may very well be right and what the Lord is calling people to do and that is good! If he is calling you to do this, then by all means DO IT!! Personally, as much as I would love to do these things, they were more of an escape route for me. I wanted the title that came along with them and it seemed easier to serve God in a foreign context rather than right where I am now. Perhaps the Lord does have these plans in store of my future, but then again maybe not. What I have had to ask myself is If not, will I still follow him wholeheartedly without bitterness in my heart.

For so long, I have been trying to fit pieces together of a puzzle the Lord has not designed for me.

 I pray that somehow this encourages you. No one has it all together and there is beauty in letting go. Letting go of your own plans, letting go of your own rigid schedule, and letting go of caring what others think. Next to the cape in my closet is a gold sparkly dress draped on a hanger, another one of my on-a-whim purchases. I promised myself this time, I will not wait so long to remove the tags and wear it.

God Our Healer

  Some of my favorite moments are when you sing songs during worship and something changes in your heart. Its that moment when the words you are singing instantly come to life and their meaning is truly known. No longer are you simply mouthing or singing words on the screen as the band or choir leads you but you are proclaiming and rejoicing truths from the depths of your soul.

Sometimes it may come out as a whisper as the truth that the Lord loves you and calls 

you His beloved overwhelms your broken spirit.  

Sometimes tears flow as the meaning of the cross and salvation hits you 

in a new way.  

Other times, words form as a battle cry of your heart as you claim truth 

against the lies of this world. 

When this happens, worship becomes more than a response to the musicians leading on a stage. Instead it is an overflow of the heart as you recognize your need of God and see Him in his splendor and glory.

  Last night as I stood in the back of the room of a wednesday night worship with middle and high school students, I had one of the encounters with the Lord. So often, I find myself singing and all the while praying for the students in front of me-that they will know this Jesus guy they sing about and figure out what this grace word means. Sadly, I often forget that the Lord is not just speaking to them, but He is also speaking to me.  As the guitarist began to play the first few chords of "Our God" chills formed as I realized the truth of these words. This great, strong, awesome in power God is my God! As the girls standing beside me sang out the line Our God is Healer, I admit I lost it. It was almost like the Lord was saying those exact words straight into my heart. He was telling me Rebekah, I love you. I see you. I see you when you forget about me and lose that battle to sin. I see the scars you bear, the wounds and hurts you carry in your heart, and the pain that comes with that. I see these but beloved, I can heal you.  Friend, if you are reading this, I pray that you find joy in this! There is not a wound, pain, sin, or scar the Lord cannot Heal. And you know what, He is not only able but He desires to heal you. He sent his son to willingly step into this dark world to save us. He can make beautiful things out of us. 

Joyful Thursdays: Friendships, Tables, and other Beautiful Gifts.

 

   Today the Lord reminded me of the beauty of the bond that is shared between girls and women in Christ.  There is something supernatural and unexplainable about this bond. It can admittedly be slightly terrifying at times as you let your guard down and in complete humility and vulnerability share the struggles, pain, and desires in the innermost part of your heart.  Yet there is something freeing as you do so.  You realize that perhaps you are not alone, perhaps someone else in this world has experienced or is enduring your same heartache or celebrating over the same joyous things. Although each of us have pasts and stories we all share the same theme of redemption and grace. Even though our struggles come in various forms, we each share in the same victory. A victory that is not our own nor something we could ever deserve, but a victory that has been given to us in the form of a savior on a cross. It is marked by underserved grace and love that is unfailing and infinite.

  I had the privilege of sitting in a small corner table and sharing a meal with a beautiful friend named Jordan. This sister has taught me what it means to find freedom in the Lord and fight the lies of the enemy. Today we rejoiced as she shared how the Lord answered prayers and shed tears as we laid our burdens on the table. As we sat there together I could not help but wonder how many stories this table has heard. I imagine many burdens have been spilled on it and encouragement has passed across. As she prayed over me and thanked the Lord for his grace, I thought about the hearts of the people who have sat at that very table. They each had their own pains, joys, scars, and stories. Then I thought about the stories yet to be shared- those of true love, old memories, plans for the future, or the sweet songs of redemption. I am blessed beyond belief to have these kinds of friendships that extend far beyond superficial things.  Jordan uses the phrase "I love you deep"  in text messages or emails and to me this sums up the body of Christ. It is a love that is often undeserved, selfless, and comes only from the Lord.

   After lunch, I decided to skip my last class of the day and settle myself in a table closest to a coffee source and relax for a bit. My sweet roommate happened to walk by and joined me in my effort to avoid schoolwork. We sat and talked about life, the importance of finding joy and rest in the Lord, and she gave me wisdom on an idea the Lord has laid on my heart.  I am forever thankful for her encouragement, support, and constant reminder of the Lord's goodness. I have never met anyone with such a beautiful servant's heart. As I found myself yet again, sharing life over a wooden table and cup of coffee, I realized that this is what I am in college. My major and getting a degree is extremely important, but more than that, I have the ability to truly share life with people and grow during this season.

  This evening I found myself gathered around yet another table with five other women at my small group leaders' apartment. These might be my favorite nights as we sit with cookies and coffee in hand and walk through the gospel of John.  This table has also heard many stories over the past few months. Across its surface we have laid out our innermost fears, talked about the word of God, and prayed sincerely for these words to change our hearts and lives.

   I am beyond thankful for the influence these women have in my life as they point me to the cross and teach me what it means to walk in freedom. I am increasingly glad the Lord made us relational people and I cannot help but marvel at how wonderfully He designed each of us to fit in the body of Christ and serve Him.

Today's Blessings

  I try to make it a point to discover something new every day or find joy in the simplest thing. Thus far, each day has been filled with these moments. The Lord has continued to bless me even though I so greatly do not deserve any of it. I realized many of my posts contain this similar theme: The Lord keeps blessing me and I am still so unworthy.  I do not think that this will ever make sense in my head but perhaps thats the point.  Instead, it leaves me in a state of sheer wonder and amazement.  I think Donald Miller says it in the most beautiful way when he wrote "wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder” (Blue Like Jazz).  
  
  I admit I have tried many many times to map out my own life but try as I may, I always end up like the overambitious and slightly frustrated five year old little girl who tries to put the pieces together of a 500 piece puzzle without looking at the picture on the box. Those of you like me who have also tried this, bless your heart :) Recently though, I am trying to just embrace life and accept that although there are many things I cannot reconcile in my mind I must simply live and say yes to the Lord. Today, for the first time in a while, I decided to live these words out. So often I think these things, maybe type them, or even talk about them with a good friend but I have realized that words without actions lack meaning. I decided to consciously make an effort to not worry about the future but look around me and seek the presence of the Lord and the opportunities He is placing in front of me just for today. Its crazy how much freedom comes in handing over our burdens and anxieties to God.  Sometimes I feel what Im carrying might be just too heavy or too much to give over to the Lord but friends, the beauty is that its not! I have to remind myself that my Savior is a sacrificial Lamb but also a righteous King who has defeated death and sin. He is all powerful and there is no burden too great for Him to take from us. We just have to give it to Him! 

   In trying to live this out in my own life, I have learned so wonderful, sometimes humorous things this week. Here are just some of these realizations. 

• Walking places is so much better than driving. If I could get by without needing a car, I would do it. There is something peaceful about walking to class or to dinner and chatting with people along the way. Its almost like time slows down for a few brief moments. And its ok to make eye contact with the strangers you pass- a shared greeting might simply be the start of a new friendship.

• 8am Aqua Aerobics might have been the best decision I made in my schedule. No lie, I would do it everyday if I could. 

• My roommate might be an angel. Seriously y'all, she doesn't have me fooled! Scottie is the most selfless, servant hearted woman I know and I am beyond blessed to share life with her. She makes the best cupcakes and I know she will be the next Cupcake Queen. watch out Buddy Valastro! She has also introduced me to pretzel chips and dark chocolate pomegranates (these things could cure any ailment). Im almost positive these are the closest things to manna we can get.

• Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes can get you through almost any type of studying- but if you are more like me, good intentions of schoolwork often get replaced by socializing. You know those items or things that are special to you because they carry certain memories or stories? Well starbucks is kind of like that for me. Its a place that has brought me new friendships filled with laughter and joy, sweet times of community from gaining Biblical truths from my mentors to sharing hearts with dear friends, and it has been a haven to read or write. 

• My mom is the greatest woman on the planet. Now, I know everyone says that but Im the one thats acutally telling the truth :)  Spending time with her this weekend was such a blessing and I was reminded yet again of how selfless she is. She has also instilled in me the idea that a good shade of lipstick is essential for any day- All women, take this to heart! 

   

      
   

Touched By Grace

   This past semester and summer have been among the toughest I can recall but at the same time, it has been laced with sweet reminders and divine joy.  I learned a very important lesson-one that you probably have already learned yourself but sometimes I think I learn things the difficult way. The lesson was that of sin and grace.  I think my mentor said it best that when we are not fully walking with the Lord and dying to ourself and the things of this world daily, there is no sin that we are incapable of succumbing to. I must admit that I sometimes feel invincible to some sin. When I would hear of people struggling with something, I would put it on my list and make sure it ranked higher than any of my flaws and instantly make myself feel less guilty about my own shortcomings. And like any good southern girl, I would respond with "bless her heart" and thank the Lord that was not part of my testimony. But here's the thing I have learned about this sin thing- the Lord does not have a ranking list, nor does He see one person's sin as being worse than the other. He hates all of it but the good news is that there is not a sin you can commit that cannot be covered by the blood of Christ.

   I started a book a good friend recommended and I learned something else about sin. Sometimes the tempter can come in the appearance of a Shepherd. The lies of Satan can seem so convincing.  I realized in my sin, I had myself fully convinced that what I was doing was not sinful. I tried to justify it but in the end I was simply pleading ignorance and allowing the son of the earth - Satan- to shepherd me down the slaughterhouse drive. ("Tempted and Tried"). In late Spring, I began for a few moments to see glimpses of the sin I was in but I became disconnected with God and continued to serve my own appetite instead of Him. I fully believed I was in control of it all but the thing about sin is that it will eventually be brought to light.

  One night the full weight of my filth that separated me from the Lord hit me. I found myself in a wasteland battling the lies of Satan and beginning to believe that perhaps there was no hope. As I began to doubt my worth the enemy's lies came to the forefront of my mind. Thoughts like You are insignificant...God cannot possibly use you…you are too inadequate to serve the Lord in ministry…you cannot overcome this began to cripple me. As I sat in the floor feeling wounded and worthless the only place I knew to turn was the Bible. Although at the time I could not depict what were lies and what were truths, I knew the supreme source of truth was the Word of God so I decided to begin there. To be honest, I did not even know where to start so I opened the Bible and landed in Luke chapter 7. The title on the paragraph said these words A Sinful Woman Anoints Jesus' Feet. Tears streamed down my face as I began to read the story I had read many times before and even heard in church but for the first time, it resonated with me. In the story Jesus was having dinner with a Pharisee. Verse 37 starts by saying

"When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the      Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.  When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself 'If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is- that she is a sinner'"

  I am certainly not a biblical scholar and there are so many things I do not understand but as I read this so many things came to my mind. The first is that this woman knew she was a sinner and in the wrong and she sought out Jesus. Many times when we are caught up in sin, we let our guilt cripple us and prevent us from coming before the one who has the power to wash us and make us white as snow, but this woman got it. We are not told how she knew he was there or all of the details but we do know that she heard about this Jesus guy and knew she needed to find him- that he was the only one who could forgive her sins. Secondly, it says she brought her alabaster jar. Many believe this jar was probably used for her job as a prostitute. She took this jar of perfume and she poured it out on his feet which symbolizes that she is through with her life in sin and is emptying it all out completely before Christ. As I read this passage I could identify with this woman. I recognized the sin in my life and knew the only one that could free me from it was Christ, but I still struggled with boldly coming before the throne of grace with confidence. As I read verse 38 that said she stood at his feet weeping and "she began to wet his feet with tears" my own tears flowed freely onto the pages of Luke. When I saw how the Pharisee looked at her and saw her sin and questioned Jesus' character, a knot formed in my throat and the invading lies began again for how could I dare to come before Jesus, my sin would surely mar his name. Jesus had every reason to walk away from that woman just as he has every reason to leave me in my sin. He gains nothing by associating with sinners in the eyes of men. But friends we cannot stop here. For this woman's story is not over yet just as mine had not ended. The beauty of the gospel-of the truths of Christ- is that He did not desert her nor will he desert you or I. Instead a few verses down he turned to Simon and said

"Do you not see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little"

   Such freedom to be found in these words uttered from the mouth of a loving savior- a sacrificial lamb. As I read this I thought perhaps my story is not over yet- just as your story is not over. I do not know where this finds you but I pray whatever battle you are fighting or sin you find yourself entangled it, you will see the beauty of this text and let it wash over you. This woman brought all she had and laid it before her Savior and you know what He did, he forgave her. He even praised her to the people who mocked her. Thats what He is doing in our lives as well. When we come before Him, he forgives us (what a beautiful word) and speaks against Satan's lies that we are worthless. Instead He calls us His Beloved. In Genesis it says the Lord saw all He had made and saw that it was very good. Because the Lord is omnipresent and can see the past, present, and future, I like to think He saw all of us on that day. He saw us as a baby and he saw the sins we would commit and you know what, he still said it was good because the story does not stop there.  We also have to remember that many many years ago, a man was put on the cross and willingly died the worst imaginable death for us.

   This summer for the first time the meaning of the cross truly resonated with me. It's not just a historical event or something we celebrate once a year nor was it just for certain people in that time period. Christ's death radically effects everyone. I pray you realize as I did the wonderful meaning of grace. As I kept rereading the story of the woman with the alabaster jar it hit me as I read the words of Jesus as he said to her "woman you are forgiven. Go in peace" I remember crying even harder as I could feel my Savior whispering these same words to my heart. I realized that as the nails were put into Christ's hands, my sin was there. As he was beaten and pierced through with a rod, my sin was there too propelling the abuse. I saw the sins he came to die for and carry, and mine was there. But the most beautiful part was that the blood that flowed on the cross that day also flowed and covered my own sins and by His wounds I am healed. Dear friend, find solace and hope in this. Rest in his grace and remember that despite the lies of the enemy, you are His beloved- by His wounds you are healed. 

Sweet Blessings By and By

  I have realized as of late that the Lord answers prayers often in the most unexpected ways.  His ways are sometimes not our own but they truly bring much more joy than you or I could ever fathom.  I admit I always struggle with how to start a blog entry.  I always fear I never have the right words or most captivating line to entice the reader to continue- much like an author uses in a novel- but I suppose sometimes those things may not be completely necessary.  So for now, I am left starting with a simple truth that the Lord is so good and I am so blessed. 


  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of sorts. I have not been feeling entirely great and between doctor visits and tests I have altogether neglected writing but I have learned much through this time and as I type these thoughts out, I am reminded again of the sovereignty of the Lord and the way he provides despite our questioning.  Although being sick is not the best feeling I have had time to rest, read his word, and cling to the truths in a new way.  On days where I could not eat, I learned what it meant to be filled with strength and joy that comes only from the Lord. As I visited the hospital several times this week for tests I was filled with peace that surpasses all understanding as I spent time with the Lord in prayer asking for answers that no doctor was able to produce. I admit some days I had no desire to smile or talk to the nurses or other patients around me but I realized something this week- something completely lacking profundity but a good word I needed to hear-  Its not about me! I am sure this is not a deep concept that plagued the minds of great thinkers such as Aristotle or St. Augustine, but they were human so perhaps it did. Regardless, I realized that for this time I had the ability to share the hope and love of God with the nurses, doctors, and patients around me whether it was simply through a smile or a conversation about my heart for missions and ministry.  


   I wish I could say I realized this on my own, but it occurred to me as I was sitting in a waiting room one morning next to a strong woman I admire deeply, my mother.  As Cissy and I were gazing at the news reports on the television and flipping aimlessly through magazines, a mentally handicapped woman walked by clearly confused and distressed. She walked outside the entrance of the building and waited for a few moments.  My mother immediately stood up, walked outside and talked to the woman as everyone in the full waiting room watched to see what would happen next.  Apparently the bus service had not arrived to pick the lady up so Cissy did what she does best and took charge. She found the number, called the bus driver, talked to the lady, and had her on the bus in five minutes. As she entered the building again, an older man in the corner spoke up and said "Young woman, that was the sweetest thing I have seen. The world needs more people like you!" Although Im convinced they all thought this angel was my sister (which probably made her day), I can honestly say I have never been more proud to call her my mom.  This woman truly lives out 1 John 4 as Peter tells us to love one another, for love comes from God.  In her simple action, I saw the importance of seeing the people around us and taking the advantage of the opportunities in our path to serve the Lord.  After several weeks I am feeling so much better and although I have no full explanation for it, I know it is completely God!  I do not regret a moment of feeling sick, for even in my weakness He was made stronger.  I am incredible thankful though that I am doing so much better. 


   I cannot write without mentioning the wonderful people I am blessed to call dear friends and although ill never be able to mention them all, here are a small few who have brightened my day in so many ways and made my life so much sweeter.


   My sister Heidi- a woman I am incredibly proud of and thankful for.  She is so strong and it has been   a blessing to be home for the summer and spend time with her.  


  CTM girls: Jordan, Laura, Maggie, Abby, and Christine.  From hilarious group texts to lunch dates these ladies are some of my best friends. I cannot wait to all reunite in a few short months. 


 Then there's Amanda who truly gets this Jesus guy.  She has such a heart for people and every phone conversation and text message leaves me encouraged and challenged beyond belief.  The Lord is doing incredible things through her and I am blessed to know her.  She told me about this book called Tempted and Tried and I'm reading it right now. You should definitely read it! It is rocking my world- in a good way :) 


  My sweet friend Shannon from 4th east is now on a mission trip to Israel which is so incredible cool! We both share a love of coffee (ok maybe mine is an addiction) and quaint eating places. My favorite memories of our friendship includes late night chats in my dorm room, standing in the hallway laughing hysterically, and Saturday brunch at Original Pancake House downtown. Fun fact: we are kind of the same person and usually same the same words at the same time in a conversation. Its actually pretty hilarious. 


  The Lord has blessed me greatly with my internship at church this summer. Although this will take another entry entirely, Im so blessed to work with Sarah Benson- a girl who has a heart set on serving the Lord.  Its so beautiful to see her wrestle with what that means for her life and seek to glorify Him with everything.  Her honesty and compassion for people is awesome and I love our talks about what it means to live as a Christian in America.  She has such a heart for middle school girls and is so gifted at encouraging and teaching them. 


  I could talk for ages about my dear friends Becca and Bradford. We are like the three musketeers- but cooler. Bradford is incredibly gifted at everything musical and its so neat to see how He uses these gifts to glorify the Lord. He challenges me to worship God in every aspect of my life and live boldly for Him.  Becca, Miss Texas Pride, is the most encouraging person on the face of the earth.  Whether I have had a rough day or just need advice, she always knows what to say.  These friends have spoiled me beyond belief but I appreciate them greatly. 


  Lastly there's my best friend Teddie, who I have known from the days when low pony tails, middle parts, and bermuda shorts were in style. This summer, we fulfilled a two year dream and went to the RC Cola Moon Pie Festival in Bell Buckle (Pretty sure time instantly stops once you enter this town- its the greatest).  



 

Sin with the Low Price of $19.99

        

         This past semester in my church small group, we talked about the sinfulness of man and our desperate need for Christ.  Although this statement isn’t new at all, I feel like over the many years of hearing this in church, it somehow lost its weight and meaning in my heart.  As we live in the world, we become desensitized to sin and even try to fool ourselves into thinking it is okay. Worse comes to worse, we will repent of it later and “make it right with God’ when we are old and closer to death.  Among many other issues with this mentality, the greatest is that we completely discount the seriousness of sin in our lives.  The theme that kept appearing as I studied the Bible last semester was the Holiness of God.  Although we definitely serve a gracious Lord who sent his son to die for our sins and save us, we must realize that if we are continuing to hold onto sin in our lives, we can not grow and deepen our relationship with this same sovereign Lord who hates sin.

            The beauty is that we serve this awesome God who is a master potter.  There is no blemish in the clay he cannot fix, we simply must be willing to come and sit before him and allow him to take over completely.  This sounds so easy, but to be completely transparent, this past semester I found myself fighting this very thing with every bit of my flesh. I imagine that to God, I looked like a two year old throwing a ridiculous tantrum- you know the kind where the kid is kicking on the floor, seriously upset and the parent just stares and holds back a laughs because the whole thing is actually rather funny. I knew exactly what the sin was in my life and I knew what it took to get rid of it.  The problem with sin is that is so appealing.  It comes in a nice pretty box wrapped and topped with a bow.  In concept it seems wonderful BUT this is completely a LIE!

            In reality, sin is kind of like an as-seen-on-TV gift.   It has a wonderful 15 minute infomercial explaining its too good to be true qualities for sale at the amazingly low price of $19.99.  I know all about these infomercials. My dad likes these things a lot, but he also likes really odd trinkets that seem to serve no purpose.  He has even purchased several of these items and given them as gifts. [I know because I was the lucky recipient of a spider shaped head massager last Christmas- I know you’re jealous now] I hate to burst anyone’s bubble but in all honesty: these items never work!  If you stop and think about it, the maker of them must be pretty desperate to get rid of them if he invests that much energy and money into a commercial to get them off his hands.  Sin is much like these advertised items.  No matter how pretty of a box it comes in, the contents are still cheap, poorly constructed, and never live up to their expectations.  We consumer-minded people buy perfectly into Satan’s lies and the world’s. 

            Sadly, after three days and many attempts, we realize the knife the Sham Wow guy swore would cut through steal wont even slice an apple and we are left having to face the reality of our disillusionment and twenty bucks poorer.  Honestly, I find myself at times like the consumer who has just purchased the cheap item and Im still refusing to admit defeat and throw it away.  I still try to convince myself that if I just give it one more chance, then it will be worth that shipping and handling fee.  In these moments, deep down, I know that I am wrong in so many ways, but my pride and desire for autonomy is unwilling to let go and I absolutely hate this about myself.  The truth is that to walk with the Lord, we HAVE to give this sin over to Him.  We have to approach the throne with confidence and declare that although this sin is appealing, we desire Him and want Him more than we want this sin.  Thankfully, we serve a relentless, patient, and wonderful God who lavishes us with his Love and mercy and forgives our sin when we turn to him with a heart full of repentance. 

Semester in Review

           

           It has been far too long since I have taken time to write and reflect on what I have been learning and today seemed to be a perfect day to do so as I am getting ready to study for exams and enjoy my last two weeks on campus until I leave for the summer. I still can hardly believe that this time last year, I was 2 weeks from graduating high school and nervously anticipating the next chapter of my life in Birmingham. How quickly time passes by. I remember that version of myself: ready to embark upon a wild new journey but scared of change that seemed inevitable, sad to be separated from sweet friends but excited about the new ones God would bring in my life, and worried about being homesick yet excited to be living in a new place I would call home (even if it is an incredibly small room). Looking back now, it is so encouraging to see how God answered my prayers in ways unimaginable and provided for my needs.

            This past week alone has legitimately rivaled any hallmark movie known to man (and Ive seen a lot of hallmark movies). I have had the wonderful privilege of sharing life with some of the most incredible women. My dear friends Christine and Laura and I have started a weekend tradition involving rising early, grabbing bagels at a local bagel shop and then continuing to a quaint starbucks table where we share our life over venti coffees (or chai teas) and brainstorm our next adventure which has involved nature walks, playing in creeks, and making headbands. I am so blessed to have these Godly women in my life that I can laugh with and talk about what God is teaching us. The Lord also gave me a wonderful roommate Maggie, who always leaves me laughing. Although we are opposite in many ways (she is much funnier and bolder than I), she has taught me a lot. I have learned to voice my opinion a bit more (for a recovering people pleaser, this is not easy) and find joy in life-starting with late night dance parties. Despite the fact that I tend to tell really corny jokes at night, she tolerates me and laughs to appease me. It’s a great friendship. Then there is Abby. This girl has a heart for the Lord and passion for showing everyone around her this love. She is someone that I can count on for Godly wisdom and to challenge me to serve the Lord wholeheartedly. Whether we are sitting on her futon talking for hours or watching the sunset on a mountain in silence, I always leave feeling closer to the Lord. I wish I could talk about every person that has been placed in my life thus far at Samford and encouraged me, but that would take an eternity. I will say that I am blessed to have these people in my life, whether we share jokes during class or coffee and tea on the hall.

            Now, I could stop here and conclude this entry ending with the people that have impacted my life and the ways God answered prayer, but I feel the Lord has also done a large work in my heart this semester. It is never easy to talk about the times I had it wrong or the struggles I have faced but in an attempt to be as real as possible, I suppose I should do just that. As I prepared for college, I felt solid in my faith and my relationship with the Lord and to be honest, I prided myself on being a pretty good person. I thought I had done a good job living a life honoring to God. However, I would give anything to tell that prideful version of myself that this God thing is much deeper than that.

           

            I have truly realized now how important it is to dig into the word and let it search my heart. I have learned that it is okay to question God on things and seen how he is faithful to reveal himself and his truths time and time again.  As I dove into the Old Testament, I admit I struggled with the picture of God I saw there. There was something about the legalism and rigidness to the laws that did not settle with me.  Perhaps it is because my human nature and flesh run from the idea of rules and instead wish to seek out their own happiness without inhibition. I came before the Lord and honestly said I was having trouble reconciling the picture of Him in the Old Testament with the one I see in the New Testament. He didn’t leave me or abandon me because I failed to comprehend it all.  Instead, he let me wrestle with it, come before him and ask him, and even though I don’t deserve an answer, he gave me one.  I caught a verse I hadn’t before.  In chapter 31 verse 21 of Deuteronomy the Lord said “ I know what they are disposed to do, even before I bring them into the land I promised them on oath”. When I read this, it somehow started to click.  God KNEW that these people would still turn from him, serve other gods, and seek after their own desires YET He made the oath and brought them into the promised land! He still left them the entire time with a choice.  He didn’t break his Oath because he knew they wouldn’t be faithful, he kept it, and continued to give them the choice to follow him. In a commentary it said “they deserved God’s punishment, although they often received his mercy”.  It was as if the Lord seemed to say to me, yes I am a just God that hates sin and despises evil, but I LOVE and I will protect and be with my people.  In chapter 32 it talks about how the Lord shields for, cares for, guards, feeds, leads, and nourishes.  They chose to abandon, reject, desert, and forget Him. When they do that, he judges them.  He is both Loving and Just. The two must go together. Although some parts are still hard for me to digest, I must trust that God is righteous and faithful and his ways are always just.  In setting these laws for the people to have to obey, he was showing them they couldn’t do it on their own. They had to see their need for a savior to understand what it meant to be saved.  They had to see the depth of their sin that separated them from God, to realize what his grace and mercy truly meant.

            While being at college, I have also discovered how narrow minded I can be. This truly is something I am not proud of, but I suppose the first step to fixing something is admitting there is a problem.  I really should go back to some people and apologize to them for being so legalistic about things. In my ignorance, I assumed my way of thinking was the only way but thankfully the Lord has opened my eyes to see that the world has a lot more grey in it than I like to give it credit for. I heard some people talking the other day about the appropriate and inappropriate places for ministry. They mentioned that no one should ever be caught at the bar of a restaurant talking to someone there, even if they were simply talking to the person there trying to tell them about the Lord. They said since we are called to live above reproach, we must avoid anything that would reflect poorly on us and hinder our testimony. To an extent, this person has a good point and the older version of myself would probably have agreed with them completely. Yes we are called to live set apart and others should see a difference in us BUT, there is something about this ideology that did not set well with me so I turned to the Word and found a passage that helped shed light on this issue.

          In Luke 5:27, Jesus saw Levi, the tax collector sitting at his booth. Once he called to him, Levi left everything and followed him. Then, Levi held a large banquet filled with tax collectors and others. These others were notorious sinners. Not only did Christ call upon a man with a bad reputation, but he entered his house and the presence of other sinners to go to the banquet. The Pharisees and teachers complained to the disciples saying "Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and 'sinners'?" to which Christ answered "Is it not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance"

In a commentary it said Jesus didn't come to spend his time with the self-righteous religious leaders, but with those who sensed their own sin and knew that they were not good enough for God. 

This account appears in Mark 2:13-17 and in Matthew 9:9-13

          In Matthew, It tells that Jesus went further and said to the religious leaders " But go and learn way this means: I desire mercy not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous but the sinners".  He was showing them that they didn't need to be concerned with their own appearance of being Holy but with helping people. Although some may disagree and that it fine, I cannot help but think that the people in the bars, strip clubs, and on the streets on the very people we are supposed to be reaching. Yes it may seem socially unacceptable, but if you read the gospels, Jesus was far from being socially acceptable. This is not easy, but I pray that the Lord will continue to grip my heart for these people to know Him fully, even if it means being questioned by people. As followers of Christ, we are called to give it all up and follow him. No bargaining or trade-offs. I cant help but think that our desire to be well-liked by men is one of the things we give up in order to follow him to wherever he is leading us so that God may be glorified. 

Felicity

    Felicity- Such a beautiful word. It is defined by Webster as "the quality or state of being happy" however I cannot help but think this state of joy and bliss can hardly be understood by confining it to mere words or definitions. Rather, its meaning can be derived best from experience. It is that moment that pulls at your heart strings and causes joy to well up inside until it radiates from every fiber of your being. Or that instance in which you cannot contain the infectious smile that forms across your face and a sheen of fresh tears glisten over your eyes blurring the world only slightly.
 
    Although there is much pain in the world and imperfections, there are moments one can experience great felicity that serve as a mere foretaste of the glorious day when Eden is restored. Despite the brokeness and depravity of this earth, the Lord is our source of joy and through him, we experience peace and have hope that sustains us through the trials and hardships in life.  But amidst this life, the Lord has given us a generous sprinkling of blissful times that induce felicity on this earth. What first comes to mind is the joy and happiness I receive from working with elementary students downtown in an after school facility.  Most of these students come from family lives that are very different from my own up bringing and they crave attention and praise. Through these kids, I have been blessed beyond belief. It never ceases to warm my heart as I walk through the door and they run over and wrap their tiny arms around my waist.  It reminds me of my own childhood as I would go to my mother and she would envelop me in a loving embrace and sooth my worries and fear, and reinforce her love for me.  It was in those very arms I felt love, security, safety, peace, and contentment. I realized that although some of these students may not have parents who can embrace them, they have a Heavenly Father who stands with arms outstretched longing for their hearts to turn to Him. In His arms only does true love and peace that eradicates all fear exist.
 
    There is truly nothing sweeter than watching a child learn. Most weeks I work with the same student and it has been such a rewarding thing to see his face light up when he gets the right answer or finally understands a concept in math. I often wonder if this is a minuscule picture of how the Lord feels about me when I finally listen to his voice and understand his truths.  The greatest picture of this is seen in Zephaniah 3:17. It says "The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing". How truly incredible it is to know that the Lord delights in us and rejoices just as I rejoice over a right math answer or completed homework assignment done by the student.
 
    Whether I am explaining WW2 with what limited knowledge of history I possess, playing tag with eight precious children until my sides ache from laughing, or simply listening to the stories these children long to share, I experience true felicity. As I was reading an article the other day, I came across a phrase that I cannot stop thinking about. With simplicity and much profundity the author implored the reader to bloom where you are planted. Although there are a million things to be involved in, especially at college, I believe the Lord has me at Samford, in Phi Mu, in my small group, and volunteering with these kids for a purpose. It is my desire to not take these things for granted or try to search for the "greener grass" elsewhere, but simply have joy in the context he has planted me in and serve him faithfully here. If you are reading this, I hope you too can look at your surroundings with fresh eyes and find joy in the places you are called to and live as a shining light for the Lord experiencing felicity each day.

Harvest is Plentiful but the Workers are Few

 
   In Church this past month, we have been studying the book of Matthew and I confess the messages have been some of the most challenging messages I have heard. I firmly believe that once you hear truths, you have no excuse to disobey them; for that is an act of willful sinning. I will be the first to tell you I am the biggest culprit of this offense. Sometimes, we fool ourselves into thinking that ignorance is bliss. However, concerning Godly matters, we have no excuse, for the principles and truths have been given to us explicitly in God's word and spoken into our hearts by the Holy Spirit if we are believers.

    One major theme of the study has been that Jesus possesses absolute authority. He has absolute authority over sin, disease, salvation, and death. As Pastor Platt says, "This is good news for us!"  He has the ability to penetrate to the root of all suffering-sin. He came to reconcile sinners to himself.  How incredible is that?! I simply cannot fathom why a perfect and Holy Lord desires my sinful self, but he does!! So much so that he DIED for it. He reigns over us supremely and brings hope and life.  Now these are remarkable truths that lead to ultimate freedom in Christ. But what are we to do with this?  If we believe that Jesus is our sovereign Lord and we commit our lives to serving Him, we must take it a step further and also believe that He warrants absolute allegiance from the world.

    I have realized that I am not called to merely celebrate the great news of Christ (although that is certainly something I should rejoice in daily) but I am called to tell others about it. I was challenged last sunday with this question: Am I willing to pay the price (whatever it may cost) to spread this news? Throughout the New Testament and especially in the book of Matthew, Jesus calls his disciples to go. He calls us to go to the diseased, to the dying, and to the social outcast- to all of those that are in need of a savior. As daunting as that seems, Jesus does not stop there. He calls us sometimes into dangerous situations and warns that we will be betrayed and persecuted. To me, this does not seem like the ideal informational God could have used to call others to Him. I mean, telling people that there will be suffering in following him isn't the best way to win over a crowd. But as I read through scripture, Jesus never tries to plead or entice people to follow him or convince them their life will be a great hallmark movie. Instead, he simply tells them that He is the way, the truth, and the life. And that, my friends is all we need. We live in a materialistic society where we constantly strive for more. Whether it involves a more expansive designer wardrobe, bigger houses, more expensive cars, etc. We buy into the lie that these things will bring about happiness. Now I am not saying that these things are sinful in and of themselves, but I do believe that if these things have greater importance than your relationship to Christ, then they are stumbling blocks in your faith. I assure you I am guilty of this more than anyone, so please know I am not criticizing. The Lord has just opened my eyes to the idea that I do not find true life in indulging in pleasure, society, or the safety and security of this world.  I find true life in letting all of these things go and clinging to Christ. Pastor Platt made a very bold and convicting statement that will not leave my thoughts. He said if we want a comfortable life in this world, then we need to stay away from Jesus. So we must ask ourselves, do we really want to be like Christ?

     Although this seems incredibly intense, radical abandonment to Christ is a beautiful thing! As convicting as this study has been, I have realized how much hope and peace exists in this. Although we are called to follow Christ wherever he may lead, the glorious news is that we are not doing this alone or by our own strength! God will take care of us! We have a Lord that loves us deeply and has great plans for us.  Our home is not this sinful world. It is my greatest desire to live out the days the Lord has blessed me with on this earth serving him completely until the day He calls me home and in great anticipation for the day Eden is restored. I have been gripped by the urgency of the gospel and incredibly convicted of my own apathetic attitude in the past. My prayer every day is that God will open my eyes to the lost around me and help me rely completely on Him. My prayer for the church and this generation is that we will not settle for the "health, wealth, and prosperity" gospel but truly be a people that follow boldly after the Lord and identify with Paul as he writes in Philippians that to live is Christ, to die is gain.

A Few Favorite Quotes

  I love reading books and listening to sermons.  The author/speaker has invested countless hours and often sought the Lord diligently while preparing and its a beautiful moment when you come across a line or point that strikes your heart to the core.  Sometimes, its an encouraging word that acts as a bandage for a wound or a phrase that provides immense truth and conviction that reverberates through our soul. These are only a minuscule amount of words that hold deep meaning to me. Some are funny, others entirely serious, but the truths are inescapable.

This is God's universe and He does things His way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe -Francis Chen

Jesus came to comfort the afflicted, but He also came to afflict the comfortable -Jesus Freaks

This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging in God -Donald Miller

We are involved in a spiritual war. The enemy is formidable, the scope is universal, involvement is inevitable. Spiritual retreat only leads to spiritual defeat. The stakes are eternal. [but] we are not alone in this war. We do not fight this war for victory; we fight from victory! -David Platt

This gospel saves, its what people need! Do we believe that? We must refuse to live in self-centered Christianity that hoards it and as those in church buildings that diminish the view and character of God.-Platt

Where is the weeping in our worship? Is there humility? If brokeneess and humility have no place in our worship, then God has no place in our worship. -Platt

What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. Tozer

[Man] is willing to share himself, sometimes even to sacrifice himself for a desired end, but never to dethrone himself. . . he is still in his own eyes a king on a throne -Tozer

We live out our lives sandwiched between a greater narrative and greater need. -Beth Moore

We are saved by grace for a purpose. He set us free so we can set others free. Not so we can have a little Christian "Bless Me" Club but so we can make a different in our dark world. Light is most effective in darkness. 

It is much easier for me to imagine a praying murderer, a praying prostitue, than a vain person praying. Nothing is so at odds  with prayer as vanity. -Bonhoeffer

One cannot simply read the Bible, like other books. One must be prepared really to enquire of it. Only thus will it reveal itself. -Bonhoeffer

Christians cannot be governed by mere principles. Principles could carry one only so far. At some point every person must hear from God, must know what God was calling him to do, apart from others. -Bonhoeffer